TEotWaWKI Movie Review: Zombieland
directed by Ruben Fleischer
I so wanted to hate this movie. It’s another instance where I got screwed out of the recognition I deserve. I signed on as a consultant to help the screen writers get the details right. I do a fair amount of this kind of work due to my varied experiences during the zombie war. And what happens? They base the two male characters largely on me and yet, no mention of my name in the credits. True, they took some artistic license with the facts: I am better looking than either actor, wear a much nicer hat and had a thing for Hostess apple pies, not Twinkies. Just once, I’d like the world to know my story.
Like I said, I went into this movie filled with a rage burning brighter than a thousand suns. But those bastards made a great movie! I can’t hate it. Sure, I can quibble with some of the details — explain to me how rotting flesh can run a 4.4 forty? — but over all, sound advice has been packaged in an great story.
The list of rules that Columbus generated is absolutely brilliant. I wish I could lay claim to that idea (though I did live by rules, I never wrote them down, dammit!). While some of these are obvious and covered in other sources like The Zombie Survival Guide, he came up with a few that I had not considered, such as:
Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms
A very good idea since they usually have only a single entry point, it would be easy to become trapped.
Rule 7: Keep the Dumb Dumbs Close at Hand
This is a variant of the “You don’t have to be faster than the bear” rule. It’s kinda cold, and I wouldn’t use this strategy with just anyone (say a child or the elderly), but with someone who should otherwise know better and is a pain in the ass? Sure. Better him than me.
Rule 24: No Drinking
Ah, I would have thought that this would be a tough one for me, but given that I didn’t have time to chill for the first few weeks after the outbreak, I never even considered taking a nip. But it’s true, in a world where you are prey, you cannot afford to check out mentally, even for a few hours.
Rule 4: Doubletap
This is one rule with which I might have an argument, but if you listen closely to Columbus’s explanation, he limits its applicability. Still, it’s important to remember your goal when combatting zombies: you don’t necessarily want to kill them, you need to eliminate them as a threat. If you’re on the run and you put a zed down, it don’t matter if he’s still a twitcher. Don’t stick around to finish the job, get the hell out of there!
Go see this movie! Yes, you will be riveted by the well written story and believable characters. More important, though, you will learn useful tips that may save your life should we experience another outbreak.