Tips for Post-Outbreak Zombie Defense

I am the Director of Zombie Defense for the Rappahannock District. That sounds more important than it really is. My jurisdiction covers about 1,000 square miles, yet last year we had only a dozen zombies and all of them were crawlers. However, it takes only one idiot who’s been bitten and doesn’t do the right thing for a renewed outbreak. So, I offer this advice to prevent such a catastrophe:

  1. First of all, don’t panic! There’s no need to be in a constant state of readiness for another widespread resurgence of zombies. We understand the situation far better than we did in pre-SHTF days and can react quickly and efficiently to quell an outbreak. Always being on alert is expensive and wears down your nerves. So, chill out!
  2. A Zed Dog is your best friend. You can never go wrong if you have a dog who’s been trained to alert you to the presence of the undead. Just remember that these animals should not be treated as pets. They are working dogs. They should have free access to the outdoors and know their role in your pack; that is, you are the alpha. When you hear the dog bark, your response should be pavlovian.
  3. Good landscaping can be beautiful and effective at dealing with the undead. I don’t recommend that you tear down the fortress you built during the crisis, but if you’re on the look out for new digs, there is no longer a need for Fort Knox. You can take simple steps with low walls, fencing, hedges and other foliage to make your house more defensible in a time when a zombie attack may not number for more than 5 – 10 creatures. Look at ways to channel their unthinking movement into areas where they can be easily seen and/or trigger sound such as bells.
  4. Know your neighbors. This may be the most important piece of advice. What are they like? Will they have your back in an outbreak? Or are they idiots who may be fresh fuel for it. In either case, interact with them regularly. So that you don’t come across as a nosy neighbor, I’d bring gifts on a regular basis. Helps you to get on their good side and provides a good excuse for a visit. I usually bring freshly picked fruit or a book.

I truly do not believe we will ever see anything like the catastrophe we experienced, but neither will things return to the old normal. A common sense approach to life will help to greatly extend your life expectancy.

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~ by Bill Drinkmore on April 10, 2009.

2 Responses to “Tips for Post-Outbreak Zombie Defense”

  1. I can understand why you say not to always be on high alert as it is, undoubtedly, tiring and resource consuming. However, we have found to our detriment that many people relax too much. Most seem either to have the attitude of “Stay on full alert, a new attack could come any minute” or “Why bother with all those security measures when it’s blown over? After all, the whole thing was just over-hyped by the media in the first place.” This naturally leads to disharmony within the community between those perceived as doing all the work (wasting the limited resources) and those not pulling their weight (just trying to get back to a normal life, man). Trying to get people to follow some sort of middle path is becoming more and more difficult since out last attack ten months ago. I should say that the attack could easily have been dealt with without fuss or casualties had those on watch done their jobs instead of sampling the new batch of hooch. Those still alive afterwards pleaded boredom and thought that a jar or two of the good stuff would lighten their load. It did, it lightened it by two men who should still be with us today.

    • I’m sorry to hear about the outcome of the attack in your area. And I agree with your point. It takes the simultaneous occurrence of two events: a lapse in our defenses AND the appearance of the undead. This can lead to complacency. Thankfully, in my area, the latter occurs only rarely. So rarely, in fact, that the community has placed zombie defense in my now aging hands, feeling it keeps this old man busy. However, I take my job seriously. The key, I believe, is to set up a process that won’t break down should a few key people be hitting the bottle. It helps that the severity of the original outbreak in our region was much worse than most other places, so the survivors are less likely to tire of their vigilance. I guess, in this case, a curse is a blessing.

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